First Love

Dear First Love,

I grew up around more family than most people. My great grandfather taught me how to drive. I learned the difference between knowing people and understanding people from my grandfather. My grandmother taught me how to make my first pie and my great grandmother taught me how to swear well before I could recite all of my ABCs. I'm extremely fortunate in this regard. However, as with all families, mine was not perfect. I did not figure this out until recently, but my family does not talk about our feelings. If you looked in from the outside we'd seem like we were very joyful, but this was just surface deep. I am not going to pretend to understand the family dynmaic, but I have certainly been impacted by how I experienced my family as a child. This is the reason that I have taken our breakup so fucking hard.

It has taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to admit that I do not experience emotions in the same way that my family does. Fankly, I think some of them are emotionless robots set to teach a lesson (not really, but you get the point). It all amounts to varying levels of emotional maturity. Sometimes a core family member dies or something major happens and everyone acts like absolutley nothing is wrong; and it is this disconnect that has driven me mad the past couple of months. Because things are very wrong. One major person is missing and simply aknowledging that we are all sad about it would go a long way. It would go a long way towards helping me deal with the loss. Instead I am left to deal with things on my own, as always. In a sense, I've been emotionally abandonded. I can't blame my family for this, though. They can only meet my needs as well as they can meet their own, and they cannot act more emotionally mature than they are. I can't blame them for doing the things that they have always done and acting in their own best interest. I'm also not the best at communicating what I need. There's issues all the way down, but my point is that I cannot blame them.

You are the first person I fell in love with. The first person I said "I love you" to and the first person I genuinely looked forward to a future with. Hearing you say that you wanted a break from the relationship and then months later changing your tune to "I broke up with you" completely gutted me. You went from being a person I hoped I could never lose and who would never leave to being someone who was doing just that. You've given me a dozen reasons why at this point but they all boil down basically to this - you weren't happy. Which is something that I cannot blame you for. Feelings demand to be felt, and happiness deserves to be persued. You also said you didn't have time for me, which is something that I don't think some should ever, ever say to someone they care about. You've made me incredibly angry and left me feeling defeated and small. But the truth is that life moves on. I have to move on. And for that to happen, I just need to say that I forgive you. You did what you thought was best in the moment and had to deal with your own issues, in the same way my family does. I do not think you're as emotionally immature as they are, but you still abandoned me - even if for a good reason. I forgive you for hurting me.

I will not be able to be a good friend to you like I was before I fell in love with you. Emotionally torturing myself like that is not something I think I can bare. However, I will always carry the memories we made together. You've made an indellable impression on my life and helped me start on a path that I would not have otherwise travelled. I'm sure you'll check in on me periodically going forward, and that is okay. I can't let myself reach out because you've dashed all hope I had of us ever getting back together, and I need to let myself heal from that; but I want you to know that I still love you and that my feelings have not changed. However, if we meet again later on down the line, we will not be the same two people who kissed in the rain on your front porch for two hours. We'll be different people, probably on very different paths and that is okay - que sera, sera.

If we don't speak again, I do wish you the best. Please know that I do forgive you, that I still love you, and that all is good between us. I carry no ill will towards you; every action I take is in the interest of me healing. Believe me when I say that I wish things had worked out. However, everything happens for a reason, and while I cannot see a reason for this yet, I am sure it will become apperant soon. I hope you find happiness and joy and all that you've ever wanted.

Be safe.

-- A